..

i really hate this feeling of helplessness,
like how can i not control my own body
i mean if i cant control someone else's body i understand completely
but its MINE.

ok so 2days ago
i was reading on my sister's bed and i fell asleep, when i heard my dad's voice asking me to go down and help him carrying groceries up i instantly got up and ran down. Since he had alot of frozen meat and stuff it was too heavy for me to carry them all at once so i went a few times. Between some of the trips i felt kinda dizzy and stuff so i just crouched down and rested a bit when i felt better i continued carry the bags.And i carried everything up and my dad was back from parking his baby. when we were done sorting everything he went up the stairs and then i just felt my body going "im gonna give up now" and i just fell, and i was out of breath. Like no matter how hard i inhaled and exhaled there just wasnt enough air. At first my dad thought i was jumping around and trip and hes like "ng ho wan lah, or you'll fall" and he looked down and saw me lying on the bottom of the stairs outside the kitchen. He ran down and put my head on his lap, and i continued to breath in and breath out really hard. Hes like "i told you not to 4 chaan, if yer not feeling well just rest" but before i fell i felt i could handle it, i wasnt feeling sick anymore. but i think its getting worse, my body just gives up on me now and it just falls without a warning. My dad kept talking to me and after a while he's like "lei feel ng fell doh the floor is wet a? im very gup liu ding ng suen lah" and i laughed but i was tearing up, like i could not help it at all i was crying, cause i know he was very scared. I could hear it in his voice, his kinda "saa-saa dey"voice. "mui mui lei dim ah? yau mo c? yau mo hum chung gor taau" Tha voice ive heard many times before mostly from before when i fainted and once was when he was crying outside grandpa's hospital room saying "i really do love my dad" to the social worker. Despite being scared, he tried to calm me down and made jokes.
out of all honestly, i feel really bad. Im always freaking everyone out.
I really do hate myself for being so weak, my body is weak. im weak.
thats why i really hate it when people say im weak. Its like when yer ugly, you really dont want people to point it out again. Cus yea i know im ugly but i cant do shit about it so stfu.
Seriously i swear one day they'll find something wrong with me and im gna be dead or smth.
Hopefully then i would stop freaking everyone and they wont have anymore heartattacks from me. heh.